It’s 2014, I wake up with a stomach ache that rapidly develops into nausea and vomiting. Over the course of the morning, this worsens to the point I pass out on the bathroom floor. My wife (now ex) took me to the doctors where I ended up being blue-lighted to hospital with acute pancreatitis. I was in hospital for 5 days and was told I was an alcoholic and that if I drank again, it could be much, much worse.

Being called an alcoholic was embarrassing and sobering, the labelling stung.

What’s most embarrassing is that I didn’t change, four months later I was drinking again.

Nothing changed until the end of 2016 when I made the hardest decision of my life and left the marital home. I needed to leave in order to get better. While it sounds incredibly selfish it’s taken many years and therapy to really understand how important and necessary this was.

Fast forward to March 2024. I’d dramatically reduced my drinking but not stopped – it no longer held the same level of control for me but I will acknowledge I was probably drinking more frequently than I had been but not to excess or the point of concern. Over the course of a day, I began feeling unwell to the point where I was referred to A&E…long hours in an uncomfortable plastic chair, tests and it ended up I’d got Gastritis. The Consultant and I had a chat and he said “Your body just doesn’t like alcohol, best thing to do is to knock it on the head.”

So that’s what I did, initially, my stomach was painful enough to stop my wanting to drink, which just turned into simply not wanting to.

Four months later here we are

Drinking, getting drunk, was one of the few things I had any real control over in my ‘old life’. I wanted and needed it to feel something, anything, at a time when all I felt was numb. Alcohol eventually stopped the inner Guy talking at me. If I got drunk enough I could get some peace from my own internal monologue that is a constant hum in the waking hours.

So to the point of this post, last week I had my first night out as a sober man.

I was a little anxious about it if I’m honest – I was flip flopping between owning it and telling myself I’ll just have a beer to fit in. I didn’t, I had a couple of alcohol-free beers and a coke and by 10 pm I was done – It’s hard to be in a room of people getting drunk and staying part of a conversation inevitably turns less coherent and sensible. I’m absolutely not judging by the way.

It got me thinking about the elements of drinking that I definitely do not miss.

I do not miss the anxiety-filled day following a heavy night, the long lasting ‘I wish I hadn’t done that’ thoughts, or the dry-mouthed, brain fog that just makes moving through the day feel like you’re in some yeasty treacle. I do not miss the loosening of moral standards or over-the-top show-offy-ness. Most of all, I don’t miss the lack of control that drinking brings.

But with all that, I do miss the buzz, the way a couple of drinks can just take the edge off a bad day or help you relax and unwind with friends old and new. I miss the enjoyment of finding a great craft beer and drinking it because I enjoy drinking it. I miss how it allows me to loosen up, to remove some of the anxieties I have around new places / people and crowds. I miss having a beer with my guys, the men I don’t see enough but who I can trust to keep life light.

But I don’t miss any of those things enough to want to have a drink

The more I talk to people about this, the more I hear that you simply just learn to do this without alcohol – and I believe them – but that doesn’t mean it’s the same.

Alcohol was a crutch for such a long time, it will take a long time to walk on my own again.

I still get days where I crave the brain-bleaching effects, the numbness, the way to escape the world and blur the hurt. My life is the hardest it has ever been, but I know it wont last and this feeling will pass.

I started sobriety with the idea that I’d get to my birthday in May and decide, probably to become an ‘intentional drinker’ on special occasions only. But as the months have gone on I’ve just not wanted to drink, it has become less of an issue for me – I’ve had fewer coughs and colds, training has felt better and easier and I just feel better. I’m still very tired, but I’ve got a 2 year old to blame for that 😉

So to end – I think it’s ok to admit that you miss drinking, that it can be fun – look, drinking has its merits but like with all things in life we change as we grow up and I’ve come to realise that like with an old house, I’ve moved on and drinking doesn’t have a place in my life anymore.

Whether you are starting out or a long way into your own journey with sobriety, you have my utmost admiration and respect.

Thanks for reading – Guy x

Useful contacts for alcohol problems

If your struggling with alcohol, here’s some useful contacts

  • A good place to start is with a GP. Try to be accurate and honest about how much you drink and any problems it may be causing you.
  • Drinkline is the national alcohol helpline. If you’re worried about your own or someone else’s drinking, you can call this free helpline in complete confidence. Call 0300 123 1110 (weekdays 9am to 8pm, weekends 11am to 4pm).
  • Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) is a free self-help group. Its “12 step” programme involves getting sober with the help of regular support groups.

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